Finally. I'm on a plane to California, and I have nothing better to do than stay in my seat and write about what happened to me this summer.
I went to Sea City with Mallory again. There was nothing nearly so exciting or dramatic as last summer, but that's just as well. This summer I spent my free time with Mal instead of horny lifeguards.
We didn't get really close until Camp Mohawk, where we were counselors for the nine year olds. It was nice to have someone there who I could have real conversation with about everything going on in my head. Having all the quiet time gave me a chance to think about things I haven't really thought about. After a couple of days without TV or internet access or other distractions, I let my mind wander to Dad a lot for the first time.
I miss him. I miss him a lot right now. I spent the last few months feeling totally isolated from my own family, which would have never happened if Dad were around. I felt resentful that he's not here to help us, or to see how successful we are, aside from falling apart as a nuclear family unit. So I started talking to him when I'm alone sometimes. I tell him what I'm up to, what I'm scared of and how I feel about things. It felt silly at first, but now it feels more and more normal.
So it was a good summer for finding some peace. I still don't know what to do about Mom and Anna. The distance we'll be from each other this year is going to make or break what's left of our family. I want to make it work, but I'm so tired. Mom has pulled away. Anna pulled away, though she was warmer when I came home. I probably pulled away too. Right now most of my energy is focused on starting new. Whether or not that includes family, I guess, remains to be seen.
I went yesterday to get in on the attendance count and play in the game last night, and then I left after third period. I just don't see the point right now. The only thing I want to do is play soccer, and as of last week, even that has become a lot less fun. I'm still getting offers from schools I don't care about, and I'll get in someplace, but I'm holding out for a top five. They're not calling me, and everything seem so pointless. This newfound sense of nihilism I've developed is really depressing. I know I have a penchant for melodrama, but I feel like I've been getting my ass kicked since this Valentine's Day fiasco. I'm ready to book a one-way ticket to Amsterdam to live a life of hedonism and fulfill every ill-conceived desire I've ever had. No one will really miss me anyway.
I could just take the completely anti-feminist route and blame PMS if anybody asks.
I felt so sure about this relationship going in. I thought the biggest problem would be understanding my feelings. Or getting her to come out. Or how everyone would react to us.
I sure didn't count on having rivalries with friends or how much time we spend together to be an issue. I thought we agreed that those things wouldn't be a problem.
It's weird that something can feel so right and how quickly it turns NOT right. Not bad, because it's not, but something just feels off. We're so different. I thought finding the right person would take care of all this shit. It felt more right to jump in the sack with Toby than it does with my own girlfriend, and something is definitely not right about that.
I so wish I could just control every little thing in my life and make stuff happen the way I want it to.
Last night I went to the winter dance with my beautiful girlfriend, and today I kicked so much ass on the soccer field--with a UNC scout watching--that they would be insane not to take me. At least, that's what I keep telling myself, because the rejection would absolutely crush me. In a few weeks, if UNC is kind enough to oblige, I will be signed and on my way to North Carolina in the fall.
I had a fantasy about kissing one Dori on Friday. Completely random. What does this mean? Nothing? Anything?
I had kind of chalked it up to nothing until she came over to watch movies after dinner. Then we huddled under a blanket together while we watched a movie, and I was more concerned with that than the TV.
I called Anna on Friday night, after Dori left, just to talk. I haven't mentioned anything to her about this yet. It was great to talk to her and act like everything feels normal, and less like one of my best friendships is going into upheaval.
But last night I had a dream about kissing her. I was also best friends with Cameron Diaz and busy campaigning for Robin Williams' 2008 presidential bid, so I'm not inclined to think that meant very much at all. But it's obviously been on my mind all weekend.
Am I only feeling this way because I'm wondering if she likes me? Is it only because she's not a guy and I want to try something new? Has it really been that long since I thought about somebody else? The confusion factor in all of this is so high I'm not sure what to think about any of it.
I just read on Kristy's blog thing that Erica's mom is in the hospital. I have no idea what's happening to her or how serious it is. Josh mentioned that it was a heart thing, which doesn't sound good.
I really, really hope she's going to be okay. Nobody deserves to lose a parent so early.
Thanksgiving was just weird this year. Our aunt Miriam showed up with Daniel, who we haven't seen in forever. It was great to see them, but it made me realize that our family has been so fucked up since Dad died. We lost Mom that day. We lost Dad's parents, almost as if Anna and I were too much of a reminder for them. We lost the rest when we moved. Even mom's parents aren't doing well. What's going to happen to us when the last dependable people in our family are gone? It's terrifying.
I feel horrible. How can my best friend, or one of my best friends, or at least someone I care about very much, be going through something and I don't even know about it? And he's not even up to explaining to me why he's leaving, himself?
Why is Erica helping him figure out what to do instead of me?
I try so hard to make time for my friends, I really do. I just can't seem to find enough hours in the day for anything.